Finding My Way: Finding the Light, Rather than the Path

There's something to be said about being alone.  You can fear it.  You can loathe it.  You can let is weigh you down.  You can sit with Loneliness and let him bring you down.

OR

You can embrace him.  Face him, eye to eye, and tell him what's up.

Even if you don't know what's up!

Here's what I've done with my alone time tonight:

Run.  Oh, how I miss my own personal therapy.  I'm not the fastest.  I'm not the strongest.  I'm not the never-ending-run-for-miles kind of runner.  I run for me. I run to clear my head.  I run to breathe....remind myself to inhale and exhale.  To feel the burning of my lungs, reminding me they are still there.  They work.  They desire to do more than just hold air, waiting for the next breath.  The forward motion, feet against pavement, each step pushing me onward.  Moving forward.  My anthem for 2015.

Take a bath.  An hour long bath.  Oils, salts, lights off, candles on.  And I watched an episode of my latest binge-watching-worthy show while taking said hour long bath.  I was pruney, and it was wonderful.

Dance.  In my {{Batman}} underwear.  Alone.  Music blaring.  While I did the dishes and folded laundry (chores are never done! At least make them fun.).  And I realized...I don't dance enough, especially in my underwear!  How free, how fun, how relaxing just letting go with no eyes to see or judge.  Just me.  I don't even know what the songs were about.  It was just me, a beat, thoughts here and there, but no need to care. 

Talk to myself.  Because, ya know, there's no one else here.  But sometimes, hearing your own voice is good enough.  Not in the "need to hear myself talk" kind of way.  More of a personal pep talk.  Thinking out loud.  Understanding myself.  Accepting myself.  Affirming myself.  Singing.  Laughing.  Praying.  All of the above.  Meaningful and yet meaning nothing at all.

Here's what I'm learning:

God is good.  

Being still doesn't mean to stop moving forward, it means to stop trying to figure it out.

Being alone doesn't have to be terrible.  It can be a learning, growing, adventure!

I've only scratched the surface of who I am, who I want to be, what I like, dislike, love, hate, want, know.

Music is interesting.  All kinds, all beats, each one means something different.  Some are more moving than others.

Words ARE relevant.  Be careful what you listen to.  Be careful what you read.  Be careful what you write.  Be careful what you say.  Words are powerful.

Surrounding myself with words of affirmation creates a new, positive energy.

Art doesn't have to be perfect.  That's what makes it art.  Creativity is up to the individual.  A form of expression.  A release.

Painting with your 2.5 year old can be both frustrating and wonderful simultaneously.  We have beautiful new art in our house....I smile every.time.I.look.at.it.  

I'm terribly needy.

I hate being needy.

I love myself.  I hate myself.  I don't even know who I am.  I know who I want to be.  

I am strong and weak.  I am complicated, and who I am I kidding, I will never be simple.

I am challenging.

I'm a mess.  A beautiful, chaotic mess, so full of life and untapped potential.

I love so deeply, and my walls can be just as high as my love runs deep.

I can be sad and happy in one single moment.

I can be lonely, and still okay.

I can climb this mountain.  I have been given the strength and the tools and the heart to persevere.  

Rather than searching for the path I'm supposed to take, I need to always be looking for the Light....the path will be made clear.  

This life is bigger than a moment...A lesson I've been learning the hard, painful way.