I've spent days chewing on this one thought..."what's next?" There is a natural order to things, even in grief, and most definitely in healing. There is a progression (if you allow it), a next step, something to move towards. This blog was not created on a whim. It was thought provoking, inducing ideas, concepts, and murals of what my future could, no, will look like. I've spent the last year and half mourning, grieving, and digging my way out of a grief that threatened to swallow me whole. I found ways to stay focused on a bigger picture; ways to decrease (or at least numb) the ache in my chest; ways to promote healing of any sorts. Yet, I kept drawing lines. Lines that would compartmentalize my life, my thoughts, even the very workings of my heart. Life wasn't meant for lines. Don't misinterpret. I'm not saying that laws, morals, and discipline should be throne out the window. On the contrary. There do need to be guidelines to follow, mostly because we as humans have a tendency to make wrong decisions if it were not for some "guideline" (aka rule) to keep us from doing so. Back to these lines. Truthfully, my statement "life wasn't meant for lines" isn't accurate. What I should have said is that grief and healing are meant for lines. Love isn't meant for lines. Let me explain.
My original blog "Goodnight Moon, Good Morning Son" was created shortly after Logan died. It was set up to be a place where I could easily express my thoughts on both my darkest and greatest days specifically related to grief and the loss of my baby. This was uncharted territory - being the mother of an angel baby rather than an earthly baby. Motherhood in itself was a whole new map to explore, but to throw in the "mother to a now heavenly being" is definitely throwing a wrench in things. This blog provided a place for my thoughts, for my heart, and for letters to Logan. During the year of that blogs birth I covered everything from loss, to love, to heartache, to trying to conceive, to being angry, sad, depressed, to finding a new outlook, new meaning, new life. Then we found out we were pregnant. The first few months were rough and therefore my journey continued to unfold as the new pregnancy lined up with the old one bringing to the surface many emotions that had never been dealt with. Then we found out the sex -- a baby girl. As I began to start experiencing this pregnancy, carrying a daughter rather than a son, I began to finally be able to separate the two. The need for Baby Girl to have her own place, her own letters became necessary....not for her (although that was my reasoning at the time) but for me. I didn't want Baby Girl to feel overshadowed by a blog created "for Logan" nor did I want Logan's letters to be overtaken (or overlooked) by his baby sister. "A Tickled Pink Rainbow" blog was born just over a month ago. From there stemmed a DIY blog "Beyond Appearances" where I could list my crafts and explore my once loved hobbies without taking away from either kid's blogs.
Last week came and I discovered that having 3 blogs was so time consuming. The writing itself was no different and was just as enjoyable, but I spent more time debating over where a post should go (mainly between Logan's and Baby Girl's) then I did actually writing. Then I received an email from a blogger I follow where a guest blogger told her story of finding her hobby again after her loss. She pursued her passion and has now created her own healing projects that help induce healing in others. I felt like I found a missing puzzle piece within myself, something I had been overlooking for over a year. Myself.
Revelation: I cannot separate myself, my husband, or my children. Whether it be love, loss, grief, or healing, they and us are all interconnected. Logan will never (and should never) be separate from our earthly children. My earthly children will always and forever remind me of Logan -- the short brief moments I had with him and the what-should-have-beens if he were still here. Most of all, by drawing lines within my heart between the people and things I love most, I am essentially separating myself. By separating myself I am not meeting nor sharing my full potential -- to love, to grow, to create, or to heal. I cannot do that...not to myself, not to Ryan, and not to my children. They deserve all of me. I deserve all of me. But I need to find all of me first.
When we lost Logan my heart, my spirit, my mind, and even my soul were irrevocably broken. The pieces of this once-put-together girl became the scattered shards of a much different woman. I found this quote and have held it dear ever since -
- "Grief is part of me. She leans on me heavily some days, but she does not define me. I am so much more than her...." {{CarlyMarie/Project Heal}}
- "Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river" {{Malagasy Proverb}}
:: To my children,
You both have my heart, each taking up residence there in your own individual way. Logan, my baby boy, you are still my hero, teaching me everyday to see things in a brighter, fuller way. You have taught me to love deeper, to laugh louder, to live freely. Baby Girl, you are teaching me to love freely again, to take the plunge, to make the commitment in spite of the fear. You have taught me to embrace the fear and face it with courage. You both are my pride and joy both in heaven and on earth. Your daddy is my soul mate. We are a family now and forever -- no matter what comes our way, we will stand strong, both in hands and hearts. Forgive me, my loves, for taking so long to get to this point, to this revelation. I want nothing more than to protect you and to make you proud. I love you both and your daddy, endlessly, passionately, with all my heart. Never ever doubt that. I will do better. I will be better. I will find healing. I will find myself. And I will do it all for you. xoxo - Mommy ::
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