What comes next?
I don't know. This thought circulates my blood and consumes my thoughts day in and day out.
What a mess I've become.
What a mess I've been.
There has to be more. Purpose. Good. Beauty. Hope. Healing.
In my quest to unearth the darkest parts of my being, and shed some light, I find myself unpacking articles of my past one painful memory at a time.
"We can't change our past, but we can determine the effect it will have on our future to make us bitter or better."
I want to be better.
Ryan and I had a good day with Emma yesterday. We are attempting to show her a unified front even in the midst of our separation. We are parents to an amazing, smart, beautiful little girl. That's something to focus on. Something to keep us grounded. Something we got right and want to continue to get right. She's proof we did something good...
He half heartedly joked before parting ways that if we are failing, at least we can say we are failing better.
It still makes me laugh.
But it's the truth. If I'm going to continue to fail...can I at least be better at failing...or fail in a better, less painful way?
One step at a time.
One scar at a time.
For now, I search. I pray. I reach. I cry. I read. I sing. I listen. I lose my way. I find the path again. I stumble, I fall.
But these hurts will become scars...and these scars will tell a story.
I hope my story, our story, is worth telling...if nothing more than to help someone else find their path.
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