The reality: is it beautiful on canvas?

I'm separated.  Headed towards a divorce.  Single motherhood.  Confusion. Brokenness.  Oh, the broken pieces, littering the sands of every shore, scattered and tossed about among the innumerable waves.

This is where I am.

I can only hide for so long and cast so many vague shadows.

This is my current reality.

I'd be lying if I said it was easy.  Or didn't hurt.

It hurts.  So much so I cannot truly explain.  Or sometimes cannot breathe.

Life as I know it, life as I dreamed it is forever changed.

It is no one persons fault.

I'm not casting blame.

I accept my role and responsibility for our undoing.

But it hurts.  It sucks. It's raw and all consuming just the same.

No one can prepare you for your own anguish, turmoil, late night thoughts.

No one can give you the right or wrong answers, the next step, the best solution, the healing method.

It's just one foot in front of the other.

Sometimes you trip.  Sometimes you fall.  Sometimes you're paralyzed.  But you keep pressing onward.  You have no other valid option.

I am heart broken.  I am exhausted mind, body, and spirit.

And if it weren't for my half bottle of wine consumed by me, myself, and I, I'd probably still be trying to keep this reality in the shadows.

I don't know what the next step is.  I don't know how we will move forward.  I don't know the outcome.

I do know this ache brings forth my all too familiar grief.

I dread the dark days ahead.  But there's a light...there has to be a light at the end.

So I am here.  I am existing.  I am trying. I am hopeful. I am fighting.  I am here.  In my reality.  Waiting for the next lesson, the next revelation, the healing.

And I am hopeful that this canvas of my life looks more beautiful than it feels because the overall picture is what really matters.