I feel so lost in love...and in time. Time is passing too quickly; so quickly that I can't keep my days or dates straight. Emma will be 2 months a week from today! Is it really August already? I return to work on the 31st (( HOLD ME!!!)). Yes, time is my enemy and my friend. Time allows my baby girl to change, grow, an learn. Time also forces me to realize that this life is all too fleeting, escaping my grasp, pushing me forward without my permission to a place where my child will soon be grown and creating a life all her own. *tears*
I often wondered if I'd "forget" Logan once Emma was here. Rather, would Logan feel like I had forgotten him. I realize now that isn't possible. Everything reminds me of Logan. Everything. Emma is most definitely her own person with a mocking personality to her father's. Logan was and is his own person as well. There are so many memories I'm missing with Logan, pieces of a puzzle that was dreamed up but never fully created; but there are memories in those few short months and days that I can never have with anyone other than him. The other night I was holding Emma, rocking her to sleep (for over an hour). I looked down at her and lovingly told her "It's ok, sweetpea, you can go to sleep. You won't miss anything." Ryan looked over at me from the bed. He had the most heart wrenching look in his eyes - conflicted, sad - and he asked that I not say that to Emma again for a while. I agreed but inquired as to why. His next words broke my heart...."You said that to Logan...when you held him..." We both fell silent and let the thought continue between our hearts and heads without words...(( "just before he died" )). I had told my son it was ok to let go, that he wasn't going to miss anything. I was letting him know it was ok by using a phrase that was comforting to me as a child. My heart still aches, a bittersweet ache from that one phrase...
Date night! Ryan and I went out for our first official date night since Emma was born. In truth, we haven't had a date night like that in probably 2 years! We felt somewhat spoiled, or "pampered" as Ryan put it. Silly though -- we only felt pampered because we tried a new restaurant and had our own bottle of sparkling sake in it's own little ice bin. I missed Emma like crazy, but it was so nice to be out with my husband without having to worry about when her next feeding is or if she needs a diaper change. We take the smallest things for granted. Like walking across the parking lot holding each others hand. Standing in line leaning into each other, his hand lightly on my waist. Eating and drinking in each other's company without smelling like poop or puke. Smiling, laughing, and taking pictures...like when we were dating. AND -- (WARNING: TMI)..."Parking" isn't just for teenagers anymore....especially when you have a newborn back at the house. Ha. It was a great night. I even got a "you look beautiful" from Ryan....a phrase that rarely comes when I'm sitting around in he same old sweats or sun dresses because it "just makes sense" since I have a baby attached to me at all times. This newborn phase (and well, the entire 2 years it took us to get here) hasn't been kind to our relationship. I am so happy that Ryan and I have that connection and that fighting spirit though. After 1 conversation, a week of trying, and a date night I feel like that old spark has rekindled itself. I cannot live without that man.....and our heavenly son and earthly daughter only make us stronger as a couple...and as a family.
I miss blogging. Once I'm back to work I have a feeling I'll find more time ;)
I love my life. Even on my worst days when I question how I got to where I am, when I cry because my heart aches so much for my son, when I feel exhausted and haven't taken a shower yet and it's already 3:00 PM...yes, even on those days, I love my life. I am hopelessly lost in this life full of love and fleeting time. I want to grasp and remember every moment that I can.
More updates when I can make them! My fingers must fly if I'm going to get everything typed ....I'm always working with "borrowed time", lol.
Love this post.
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