Co-sleeping to Crib to Room: We did it!

After my post about my exhaustion and saggy, sore boobs, I felt it was necessary to follow through with the changes that needed to happen.  I wasn't ready for them, but I had past a point of frustration and was spinning out of control in zombie universe.  We had to sleep transition.  I refuse to call it sleep training, because, although it probably seems like it is sleep training, the term itself is stupid.  I'm not training my child to sleep, I'm helping my child break a bad habit and sleep better.  It wasn't easy.  In fact, it's still hard a week later, but I'm happy to report that Emma has been sleeping through the night, on her own, in her own room since night #2.  The first night alone yielded unexpected results and a great trend setter for a happier baby, a happier mommy, and a happier daddy.

How did we do it?  No, I did not let my daughter "cry it out" for minutes/hours on end.  The first night actually only took 45 minutes total before she was a sleep.  Thank goodness!  Was there crying?  Yes.  I hated every second of it.  Was she hurt, scared, or in need of anything?  No.  I've learned the difference between her cries.  This cry was a cry of frustration, a protest to change, a desire to have me near even though it wasn't helping her sleep.  At first, co-sleeping was amazing.  It actually offered us both a more peaceful night.  She would eat and fall back asleep in one place.  There was no in and out of bed.  Even though she was eating often, we were sleeping more than if I had to get out of bed, feed her, and put her back down.  I loved having her close and being able to feel her breathe.  Then she became mobile and it all fell apart.  She became restless.  She started teething and required comfort nursing all.night.long.  By the time she turned a year old (2 weeks ago), she was waking 10+ times a night, sometimes up to 20 times.  I have never ever known that kind of exhaustion before.  She wasn't sleeping well.  I wasn't sleeping well.  And Ryan was getting the crabbiest side of us both.

On day 1, Saturday, we spent nearly all day in and out of her room.  We moved the sidecar crib set up out of our room and set her crib up properly in her room.  We swept, moved the rocker in there, read some books, played.  I talked to Emma throughout the day, reassuring her, letting her know what changes we were making and why.  Did she understand me?  Probably not, but I believe that she is due the same respect as any other person.  She deserves to hear about the changes as they are happening and I felt that by telling her in a calm, loving voice, she was able to feel safe in this new space.  I spent both nap times that day reading the Sleep Easy book.  It has some great tips and although we didn't agree or follow all of them, it did give us a good base.  I also had 2 very good friends on my text speed dial ready and waiting for updates.  They literally held my hand, virtually, through the entire night.  Ryan and I discussed a new bedtime routine.  It included a lot of the same things I had already been doing for the last 10-12 months, but it also now included Ryan himself.  I needed him to get involved.  Emma needed him to get involved.  I knew this change would not be successful without the support of the entire family going through the change together.  Our bedtime routine looks like this:

Bath time (time varies depending on how messy dinner is and isn't necessary for bed time specifically, but is a nightly event)

Playtime for 20-30 minutes.

Lotion & PJ's in Emma's room while mommy sings a few silly but not super active songs.

Emma Picks out a book for Daddy to read.

Daddy reads a story while Mommy holds/nurses Emma (until we completely wean).

Daddy says 'goodnight', turns on humidifier (also White noise machine), and turns off light.

Mommy rocks Emma, finishes nursing, and sings these 3 songs:  Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, You Are My Sunshine.

Mommy lays Emma in the crib, turns on Seahorse, says 'night night' to baby doll, tells Emma "I love you.  It's night night time.  I'll be in the other room if you need me."

Yes - it happens just like that every single night.  That's one thing the book pointed out.  A bedtime routine is crucial and effective.  I have always turned on the noise machine, rocked/bounced her, and sang those same 3 songs for the last year.  We added the other things prior to give ample time for Emma to unwind and to get settled.  We also use that time to prep her for bed saying "It's almost night night time" during the last 30 minutes before bed to ensure she knows what's coming.  Bath time and play time are specific to time but they happen around the same time frame almost every night out of habit.  Once Emma is in her bed we start the check-in intervals.  We did 5, 10, and 15 minutes.  It wasn't always exact but the first night it was down to the timer that went off on my phone.  

Oh my gosh, that first night, I wanted to die.  It literally broke my heart into a million pieces to walk away from my crying child.  I paced, I stared at the video monitor, and I cried right along with her. I even called my own mom, crying the whole time, asking how she ever did this with me.  Thankfully, Ryan was on board with the whole process and was open and attentive to how emotional this process was for me and for Emma.  He watched the monitor along with me and talked me through it.  Then there were my two incredible mommy friends who also text me reminders and encouragement.  

Emma needed this.  I needed this.  This was a habit - not necessarily a bad one, but it was a bad one for us. It really does come down to each individual child and each family.

Night one looked like this:

7:00 PM Bedtime routine - night night - Emma in crib

7:05 PM First check - I checked on her.  I caressed her head, whispered I love you in her ear, and told her it was time for night night, I knew this was a hard change for her, I wasn't going far, that I would be back to check on her.
7:15 PM Second check - repeat what I said the first time.
((All the while, I was crying while waiting, pacing, watching the monitor.))
7:30 PM Third check - Ryan went this time.  He did the same thing I did the first 2 times, but in his own daddy language.  He actually stayed an extra minute, never picking her up, but laying his head on hers, rubbed her back, and showed her all her lovies again (glowing/musical Seahorse, cabbage patch baby, lovey dog).

7:30 - 7:45 PM Emma cried less with "quiet" intervals.  She started looking around her crib, she picked up her baby and held it, rocked it.  She touched the Seahorse.  She'd cry again, then stop.  Repeat with her toys.  She sat down still holding her baby.  She started laying down and settling around 7:40.  By 7:45 she was down and asleep.

Note:  She did cry in between each check.  I would have stuck with every 5 minutes if she was crying hard, but after the first check her cry was less intense and less constant.  By the third check, and after Ryan went in, she was barely crying.  It was more of a complaining off an on.  It still sucked and it still struck every nerve in my body.  I wanted nothing more than to go to her, pick her up, and rock her to sleep.  I knew, though, that things would never change that way.

Emma woke up 3 times this night.  THREE!  Not TEN!
7:45 PM - asleep

10:45 PM - 1st wake, I picked her up, rocked/nursed her, let her get drowsy, put her in her crib, told her I loved her and that it was time to go back to sleep.  I stood outside her door watching the video monitor on my phone the whole time.  I planned to do the 5,10,15 minute check ins.  She cried for maybe 1 whole minute and was settled and back asleep in less then 5 minutes.
2:15 AM - 2nd wake, I did the same as the 1st wake (she was used to eating at night so I didn't want to deny her).  Again, I was going to do the check in intervals, but she cried this time for maybe 30 -45 seconds, settled, and was asleep within 3-5 minutes.
4:45 AM - 3rd wake, I didn't even get out of bed.  I looked at the monitor.  She stood, cried out, but immediately laid back down.  I watched, waiting to see if she was going to stand again or cry again, but she didn't.  She laid back down and was asleep with no tears, no fuss, and no check in.  

6:30 up for the day.

I felt like a brand new woman.  Literally.  I was shocked she only woke 3x; and even more shocked that the last time I didn't even have to get out of bed.  This had never, ever happened.  The whole next day Emma and I were both happy.  I made sure to spend extra time playing, cuddling, talking, and singing with her.  I told her how proud I was of her and that she was doing an amazing job with all the new changes.

Night two:

Night two looked similar to night one.  This time though, it only took 30 minutes!  Ryan went in for the 2nd check instead of me.  She differently to him.  She still cries when he leaves, but once he's left within a minute or two she's at least sitting, examining her lovies, getting comfortable.  She never co-slept right next to him and he never does middle of the night wakes ups, so in a way, I think she knows that although daddy loves her, daddy doesn't mess around and isn't so easy to cave.  

Surprise:  Emma SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!  Literally.  She stirred/woke 2x but never cried (just a minor fuss before settling back down).  She went right back to sleep and never truly summoned me.  I didn't sleep the whole night through simply because I was nervous.  I woke every hour to stalk the monitor and make sure she was ok.  It still was the most rest I had had in over a year!

Night three - six:

We are on night six now.  Emma has been sick since night two.  She has a virus and was running a fever.  I dreaded bed time even more, thinking she would need me to rock her, or worst case to co-sleep, setting us back.  She didn't though.  Poor baby was so tired by bed time that it almost made it easier.  She hasn't cried for fussed more than 20-25 minutes every night.  She still cries when we leave the room every.single.time.  And every.single.time it breaks my heart.  I still pace and watch the monitor until she's actually asleep.  I'm just not built to let my baby cry, but I have to remind myself that she is sleeping 100x better once she falls asleep.  She has slept through every single night too.  She wakes, but puts herself back to sleep.  I wasn't expecting her to do so well.  I'll be so much happier when/if she goes down without crying at all, but for now, we'll stick with what we're doing.  

Last night she did shock me yet again.  She was so incredibly tired that by the time I was done singing she was nearly asleep.  I laid her down in her crib to say my nightly ritual saying.  She cried when I put her down, but immediately flipped over on her tummy with her butt in the air.  I was rubbing her back lightly as I told her I loved her.  Not a whimper.  She laid down and was asleep before I could even leave the room!  Of course, this was an exception.  Tonight it took 15 minutes, but still, that's an improvement!

I will say, we've been playing this all by ear.  We don't follow the 5, 10, 15 minute check-ins to the minute.  I will say that our greatest asset in this whole process was the video monitor.  I watch it carefully.  If she's sitting, laying, or messing with her toys while fussing we leave her be.  This is her way and sign of accepting it's bed time and settling.  If she's standing with her hands on the railing, facing the door, crying, I know that she's not quite ready and we do our check ins at the designated times.  We don't stick to the times like a set schedule.  I base it off several variables, but mostly her body language and her cry.  For nap time earlier her cry was more intense, different.  She clearly needed extra snuggles, milkies, something, so I checked in on her at the first 5 minute mark.  When she didn't settle after that, I went in 5 minutes later and rocked her for a while.  Every night won't be the same.  She will feel differently, have good days and have bad days.  I am not a strict schedule follower and if fate would have allowed it, we would still be co sleeping.  I loved it.  I really did.  It just wasn't safe anymore with her being mobile and it wasn't getting us any sleep.  We all know that sleep is crucial to our health and well being.  So far, this week, even with Emma being sick, we've gotten more sleep and been more rested than we have ever been.

I am neither for or against one sleeping arrangement or sleep transition method.  I believe that you need to do what is right for you, your family, and base it off of your child's needs, well being, and personality.  My heart still breaks every time Emma cries.  Every motherly fiber in my body is desperate to run to her and hold her. In these times I have to remind myself that there will be plenty of times where being Emma's parent and doing what's right for her won't always feel right.  I don't want to see her hurt or upset, ever, but change is hard and change is necessary sometimes.

Wherever you are in your sleeping journey or transition, do what is right for you and for your baby.  No judgement here.  I was terrified, nervous, anxiety ridden over this whole thing.  I'm still defining the type of mother I am and want to be.  I don't think how you sleep should become the label as to the type of parent you are.  At the end of the day, if your child is loved, cared for, and healthy mind-body-and soul, then you're doing something right.  Hang in there.  It does get better.