Motherhood...
You are now 2 people, but really 1 person. You are no longer yourself - that person has been put on an indefinite leave of absence while the mommy version of yourself is forced into hyper drive.
You no longer smell pretty (at least not for extended periods of time). You (and baby) will both smell like throw up and baby poop on and off throughout the day. That's just the way it is.
Your most important decision for the morning will be to choose between a.) showering or b.) brushing your teeth. Unless you wise up early on and learn to brush your teeth very quickly while taking a shower you will only be able to accomplish one of these tasks before noon....and on "one of those days" you'll be lucky to do either before 3:00 PM. (I live and die by gum, breath mints, body spray, and facial wipes)
If you're breastfeeding....the Lactation Consultants lie. It. WILL. HURT! I apologize if you have been led astray. Everything I read and all the lactation consultants told me "it shouldn't hurt if they're latched right." While this may be true after the first few weeks, those first few weeks are critically painful. Hurts-Like-Hell painful! I have a "later term preemie" whose mouth is so tiny that she can't/doesn't really open wide enough -- but I have plenty of mommas on the forums I'm on that can attest to the same nipple pain I am experiencing. You are not alone. You are not doing it wrong. Even though I question myself daily...at every feeding...while my toes are curled, my fingers grasps the nearest pillow or blanket, and I bite my tongue trying to alleviate the pain that ensues. I have nicknamed my beautiful daughter the "Boobie Pirahna" because that's what she looks like when she's trying to latch...and that's what it feels like.
You will wish, hope, beg, and cry for more sleep (literally, tears of frustration, emotional highs and lows)...but when the times comes for you to steal a quick cat nap your mind will race and your exhaustion will have pushed past the point of no return. You will go to bed that evening with no rest in sight...for many many moons.
Things will go undone. If you get the laundry washed, it will not get folded for days..maybe weeks. Sorry, honey, you're going to have dig through the hamper and iron your own shirts! The dishes will pile up. There will be onesies, diapers, baby blankets, binki's, and slew of other baby items randomly placed around your house. You will choose what's important -- for instance, with this 30 minute window (that could be interrupted at any time by my adorable little peanut) I have chosen to blog rather than do laundry, dishes, or even shower! Priorities, people!
Eat. When? How? With one hand. If I want to eat -- which is something I usually forget to do (literally!), you will learn to eat with one hand -- that include getting the bowl out, pouring the cereal, pouring the milk, and feeding yourself all with just the one hand. Most likely you're either feeding or bouncing a baby in the other. In my case, I've learned to multitask -- breastfeed on the go. Otherwise, I'd starve. But the lack of sleep and increase in exhaustion doesn't notice the rumble in my tummy.
Style. Forget about it. Your hair will be wet, in a bun. You make up - if you choose to partake in this ritual still - will be a light, 1 minute layer. I focus on my eyes. If I have eye liner and eye shadow on and nothing else, I can atleast feel like I look less tired! I'm not sure that it works. Mind over matter, right!?
Your husband. That's a whole other subject. There is no time for cuddles, kisses, or any other nonsense. What time you can find for each other will be reduced to a quickie (and I don't just mean sex!). I'm lucky to get a decent hug from that man without my darling bundle of joy needing my boob yet again. Date nights....you'll have to wait until the munchkin has atleast a 4 hour gap before needing to eat again. I don't see those days or nights anywhere in sight as of yet.
Shopping - or any outing, will be planned in minutes. As soon as the baby is fed, buckle her in. You have 5 minutes to get out the door. You better no where you're going too. You don't have time to dillydally around. You have a certain window of time (right now, it's 45 min - 1 hr) before the next feeding round. Unless you're completely comfortable whipping your boob out in public, you better not go far. Invest in a proper cover. Maybe even invest in tinted windows for the car. And if you don't know what your actually shopping for....you should probably just browse online...from your smartphone...while you breastfeed.
Bathroom breaks. Warning: TMI is about to be divulged. I have not yet been "home alone", however, I have had moments where I don't have anyone immediate around. I have a baby that will scream if I unlatch her from the boob. Yes, I'm going to go there. I have quite literally learned to use the bathroom, using one hand to do everything, while nursing my newborn child. Don't worry, they were quick bathroom breaks. I was sure not to touch her with the hand I used to use the bathroom, and I did wash my hands afterwards. It's just the way it is. In a past life I would have been embarrassed to admit this. This motherhood stuff is no joke. You do what you got to do. Poor Em will read this later and probably think "gross." Just wait until she's a mother....
Meltdowns. There will be many of those -- unless you're freakin Super Woman or something. The Baby Blues are different from meltdowns. The baby blues are uncontrollable tears -- sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours -- for no real reason other than you just "feel like crying." Metldowns -- those are the onset, ugly cries that happen from pure exhaustion, frustration, nipple pain, not being able to eat, choosing cereal for dinner rather than a hot meal because "it takes less time", chewing gum instead of brushing your teeth, taking a shower but not having time to shave your legs, see the laundry piled up and your house a wreck, or being covered in baby poop, pee, and throw up in less than 5 minutes (yes, this happened...in the middle of the night...worst.time.ever.). The tears come and go. Learn to accept them, embrace them, experience them, and move on.
Guilt. You will feel guilty. You'll feel unprepared. You'll feel like you should have researched or learned more about how, when, where, and what to do for your baby. You'll doubt your abilities and your instincts. And...if you've had a loss, you'll feel even more guilty because you can no longer focus, experience, or debate your grief. You'll wonder if you'll ever have the time or energy to think about your angel again. You'll feel guilty that you aren't dedicating enough (if any) time to their memory. Between the pregnancy, the bed rest, and now having Emma, I don't remember the last time I visited Logan's grave. I don't remember the last time I wrote to him or talked to him. You'll wonder if this new creature in your life has taken away your ability to be mother to both your heaven and earthly child. I assume this is normal. I barely have time for my husband, friends, or family. I barely have time for myself. Surely Logan sees and understands that!? So many moments I've spent rocking Emma in the middle of the night, tears rolling down my face, imagining Logan as a -should-have-been-toddler, crawling into my lap, wanting to look at his baby sister. So many moments I've cried because of the moments I missed with Logan and now share with his sister....Yes. The guilt is real. Real, natural, just another thing to be worked through....
This list could go on....You should probably just expect a post like this monthly if not weekly. I'm sure I'll be gathering more knowledge and experience and you best believe I'll share it!
At the end of the day (or the beginning...since they all run together anyways)...Motherhood is all the above decisions, negative feelings, exhaustion, frustration, pain, etc...but with the greatest reward. Seeing my daughters beautiful face, watching her every move, seeing her growing, changing, learning is the greatest joy and love I've ever known. Even when my nips hurt so bad I'm brought to tears, once she's latched on I can't help but smile, caress her baby soft cheeks, and wish for these moments to last forever. Could I do with more sleep? Heck yes! Could I do with less pain? Even more HECK YES! Could I live without her....HELL NO!
Em really is a good baby. She rarely cries -- only for food, and after I've taken her diaper off. She's beautiful and peaceful. She grunts -- ALOT -- and very loudly (mostly in the middle of the night), but if that's my biggest complaint, I'd say I have it pretty good.
I am not Super Woman. I can't and won't always have my shit together. But I will try my best to be the best mother that I can be. I can't promise not to complain. I definitely can't promise not to cry. I can't promise not to get frustrated, discouraged, or let down. But I can promise to love, protect, and cherish my daughter. I can promise to be at her every beckon call. I can promise to provide everything I can to her for as long as I can. I promise to remember every moment, to take lots of pictures, to blog as often I can. I promise to be honest and truthful to her - always...even about the down and dirty stuff like the above. This -- all of this -- is the truth about motherhood...at least, about the motherhood I'm experiencing.
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Em, -- I hope you know how much I love you! When you do read this, I hope you see my vents, whines, complaints, and honesty as just another depth of the woman I am and want to be. My greatest desire is to be the best mother I can be...to you...to your big brother...I hope you read this and understand the depths of my love you. I can't really call them sacrifices, because really, "giving things up" is a no brainer the moment you were born. You are worth every sleepless night and painful nipple latch. You are worth the piled up laundry, the all-day-morning breathe, the unshavened legs. You are special, a gift, a blessing. You have turned my world upside down...but for the better. You are the birthday gift that will forever keep giving me joy. Daddy couldn't have planned that gift better if he had tried, lol. I love you, Junebug! We'll learn together. We'll get through this intense time in both our lives. We'll master breastfeeding, we'll take naps together, we'll cuddle, and we'll stare at each other in the middle of the night - both wondering about the other, but totally in love. We are forever a team, you and I. Mommy and Emma -- birthday girls. xoxo - Mommy
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Logan, my angel -- How I miss you! I miss those moments of the newborn stage we never got to experience. I miss the softness of your skin, and constant beeping of the monitors that registered your heartbeat. I just miss you...everything that was and everything that should have been. Thank you for watching over your baby sister. She's something else, isn't she? Beautiful. An angel of earth. I see you in her. She looks like you...and you both look like your daddy. Forgive me for not being able to write or talk to you as often. You know my heart is always with you, and my thoughts are never far behind. I cannot look as your sister without thinking of you. You and her are forever a part of each other and for that I am grateful. I don't know if I have this mommy thing down pat yet...to you or to your sister, but I am trying my best. I love you, baby boy. xoxo - Mommy
I can always count on you to give it to me straight... thank you for trailblazing for me mama!
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