Mommy by Day :: Mother by Night

I've discovered (and accepted) that my opinion of motherhood varies by day and night. The two are vastly different. Let me explain...

Nightime: being woken up at odd hours, sometimes staying awake for hours on end at a time, compiling the rolled over exhaustion from the night (make that nights - plural) before makes for a wasteland of negative thoughts and feelings. A fidgety, fussy baby seems less consolable. Nipple pain is increased x10. Doubt, frustration, and the tears appear out of no where. You wonder when and how you got here...and if you'll survive. You are, by definition, a mother. You feed, console, and nurture your baby on instincts and necessity alone. You wait, maybe cry for the first rays of sunlight, as if somehow those same rays will offer you (and maybe baby) hope for a better day, maybe even some rest. The darkness seems to amplify the frustration, confusion, and irritability of you both. Tears, endless tears, will ensue. Yes - you are strictly a "mother" by night.

Daytime: couldn't be more different than night! You may not change your perspective with the sunrise, but after your first cup of coffee, a breathe of fresh air, and hopefully a short nap somehow your mothering turns to mommying. You see your baby through the glassy eyes of love. You ooohhh and ahhh, snapping pictures of the "cutest" (yet still grossest) things -- for example, Emma's birdie (or "oh") face she gives just before a fart. The fart in itself is gross, and I dread the future diaper change, but watching the experience from her perspective is priceless. You will marvel at your little ones cuteness, perfection, and innocence. Your level of patience is magically higher. You trust your instincts, or atleast your nurturing ability, a little more. Somehow daylight, even with the exhaustion, is somehow easier. You are a "mommy" by day.

Don't confuse or misconstrue my love for my daughter. Like every other relationship, love is both a feeling and a choice. It must be worked at, understood, and communicated regardless of circumstance. I love my daughter, endlessly, but...I am human. If you were to catch me, half undressed, hair a mess, tear stained cheeks, desperation in my eyes, by the glow of late night TV, in the recliner, rocking, bouncing, and patting my daughter trying to find a way to console us both...you'd see one hot mess. But if you asked me if I'd change it, wish to be childless again, wish for the freedom from parenthood - I'd say "no." It's hard...sometimes it seems daunting and unmanageable; but those mommy moments are pretty kick ass. The night is always darkest before dawn, right!? The sun will come up...and so will your spirits.

Another "truth about motherhood"....the things you rarely hear about...the things no one wants to admit. You can't always "mommy"...sometimes you barely survive "mothering"...But you will survive, you and baby. You will both be stronger and closer for both days and nights.

I am a mommy by day...and a mother by night. I am hopelessly in love with motherhood (and my Emma) morning, noon, and night - despite the frustrations.