Ok. That makes sense. Now, please tell me how I'm supposed to relax when: my house is cluttered and the floor needs swept (I like a clean house...that's relaxing!). When...I have 2 dogs, one who keeps barking over the littlest thing (so annoying). When...I'm running on 4 hours of constantly interrupted sleep a night (sometimes less...thank God for coffee!). When...my beautiful baby girl is sleeping next to me in her rock and play, but not peacefully. She's stirring often, quite opposite of her deep sleeps I've nicknamed the "milk coma" - arms limp, face relaxed, dreams sweet. The stirring sleep always makes me question myself, my ability to mother and nurture, my milk production. This mommy stuff is no joke.
Relax. I relax most when Em is peacefully and blissfully asleep in arms. I relax most when her sweet lips curl into that silly grin just like her daddy's. I relax most when her soft, tiny fingers are wrapped around my finger or lightly draped across my chest letting me know she feels safe, secure. But holding her, feeling those beloved things 24/7 isn't possible...there are too many variables. The worries are still there, just momentarily forgotten.
Today is one of those days where I'll be lucky to get a shower before 1:00 pm. That's ok. My gorgeous, perfect, tiny daughter is here with me. She's real. I can feel, see, and touch her. I can smell the soft newness of her wrinkly skin. I can watch her sleep and be brought to tears and smile at the same time...
Motherhood isn't easy. Motherhood is exhausting, scary, nervewracking, and at times daunting. Motherhood is amazing. Terrifying and amazing. I may not always get it right. I'll probably spend alot of time fretting. I'll spend an equal amount of time crying. But the smiles, the laughter, the deep satisfaction Emma brings me can't be measured.
Pumping session over. It didn't yeild 10 bottles worth, but my meager half ounce is a start. Maybe blogging is my key to relaxing? Thank God for my smart phone.
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