My Broken Hallelujah

I don't know that anyone actually reads my novelistic attempts at blogging, but if you do, I feel it's necessary to be transparent where I am in, what season this is in my life.  After all, it's only when we're transparent can we truly connect as humans, relate, empathize, understand. 

It is not the time for explanations, as some moments and some seasons need to be kept private to some degree.  What I can tell you that is that my life is changing.  My world has been turned upside down.  My path is unclear.  My steps aren't always steady.  My heart is so incredibly broken.  But...my faith is being renewed.  For those who have known me longer than 5 years, you know my religious upbringing.  Church and God have been a part of my life since before my conception.  These last 5 years I've spent a lot of time doubting, questioning, rejecting everything I thought I knew, and instead tried to manage my life in my own will and ways.  And I have failed.  Miserably. 

I'm trying to find all the broken pieces of my heart, but mostly I'm trying to leave them in God's hands.  At this point, there is no way I can find them all, let alone pick them up.  I most definitely do not know how to piece them back together, and even if I did, I'm not sure the portrait I'd create or find would be worth anything. 

Praise and Worship music fills the silence after the baby is in bed.  And oh how that silence haunts me.  I'm thankful for my upbringing and the way all the "connect the dots" are coming together to call me back to my roots, back to the fold, back to the faith that holds it all together.

I feel so incredibly lost in this great big world, and in the mess of my life that I created.  But He knows my name.  He knows my story.  He gives me reasons to get up each day.  I have to believe there is a plan.  I have to believe grace, love, forgiveness does exist and that this picture is bigger than anything I could ever create.  Ever.

Heartbroken.  Lonely.  Depressed at times.  Yet there is sunshine, and life, and laughter...in my daughter's eyes.  Proof that God does exist.  God does love me.  God does want and give good things to me.

This season is dark for me.  A valley with a mountain that casts shadows on everything I see and touch.

So I'm here.  With a empty hands raised high.  Barely able to stand at times.  Everything crashing down around me.  I have nothing to give, nothing to bring to the table, except a broken hallelujah.  I am believing, hoping, praying He will turn these ashes to beauty.

 

This one just brings me comfort... a dear friend sent me the link and I'm so thankful.