Virtual Coffee Date: Overdue

Care to join me for a Virtual Coffee Date?  I know, I know...It's overdue!  I could really use that cup of coffee though...

Life has captured my mind, body, and soul these days.  I barely have time or energy to remember my name, fold the mountains of clean clothes, or complete a full sentence.  Am I busy?  Yes.  But mostly, I'm just tired. 

I'm frustrated...with myself...with time.

I battle mother's-guilt daily.  I lose my patience more quickly when I'm tired.  I hate losing patience with Em. 

I want to be a better, more rounded, well rested, happy version of myself.

I don't know how.

I want to read.

I want to write.

I'm lost for words.

I miss him.  Logan.

It's that time of year...September/October.  The last of many firsts with my Logan.

I don't remember the last time I made it up to the cemetery.  Does he notice?  He walks with me daily, right?  Still, I feel like a mother abandoned her child.  I am the mother.  He is the child.

Dishes, laundry, floors....lather, rinse, repeat.

Photography...my long lost passion.  Oh, how I want to learn you, embrace you, revive you.  I want to be better, wiser, more skilled.

Phone...I use you too much, yet you are my only lifeline to the outside world.

Sleep...I've missed you.  I've experienced you more from time to time.  Emma slept through the whole night last night!  Yet, I still wake, hourly.  Absurd!

Self-esteem, do you exist?  The reflection in the mirror is a confusing one.  One day beautiful, the next day scarred.  One day lively, the next day weary.  A vicious cycle.  Always changing.  Never the same.

Emma is growing.  She's strong, beautiful.  Her eyes are blue like the swelling seas, and their depth is just as infinite.  I do not know the thoughts she keeps, but she is learning, expressing, always marveling at the many wonders the world has to offer her.

She started daycare.  Part-time.  It's going well.  Drop offs SUCK though.

There's a light in the distance, always there, never fading, but always out of reach.  Still.  There is a light.

My thoughts are shifting sands, there one moment, gone the next.  They intermingle, collide, and are sometimes washed away by the seas in one swift wave.

I'm reading again.  Finally.  I long to be temporarily lost in another's world.  It is there I find myself, I rediscover, I find a greater purpose.

My friends, always faithful, keep be grounded. 

Thank you for yet another virtual release.  The coffee was nice too :-)