Unexpectedly Incomplete

This weekend I got to lay eyes on two of the most beautiful souls I've ever met.  I got to touch them, hug them, not just hear, but see their laughter.  I got to read the expression in their eyes, watch their body language, witness the beauty that encompasses them inside and out.

For 3 years now I've been exchanging emails, words on a computer screen, status updates through facebook, comments here and there in a chat window.  I've seen pictures, I've written letters, I've sent cards and gifts.  I have cherished, supported, and loved them from afar.  We've connected as penpals but it was always so much more.  This virtual, internet-brewed friendship was real life.  These girls know the ins and outs of each and every day more than the people around me.  These girls got to witness my heart and soul, the good, the bad, the ugly.  They have seen my words and trusted the truth in them.  They have seen me at my worst, empty, torn, heart broken.  They have seen me at my best, marveling in the miracle of my rainbow baby.  These girls have become best friends.

I got to meet them face to face for the first time this weekend.  The excitement and anticipation was agonizing in the sweetest possible way.  I was nervous.  I think I was more nervous that it wasn't real though.  There's always the "what if" in the back of your mind.  Exchanging emails, letters, and text seems so real, so valid, and so emotionally connected; but it's human to question whether that same connection is real in the presence of the body it's attached to.  Why do we question these things?  I don't know.  We just do.  Well, it was real.  I knew it would be.  It had to be.

I wasn't able to spend every waking or sleeping moment with them since I still had motherly duties and other obligations.  They came over for dinner both nights they were here.  They sat on the floor and played with Emma.  They helped cook and clean up.  Then we sat around the table, or we clustered on the couch and we talked.  We talked for hours.  We talked until the exhaustion was more than we could take.  We could have talked for hours more. 

I was unprepared for how natural it all felt.  It wasn't possible that these girls have lived hundreds of miles away our entire lives.  It wasn't possible that I've only known these girls through our loss connection over an internet forum and facebook group for the last 3 years.  No.  These girls have lived next door.  These girls have known me my whole life.  These girls have come over 1,000 times.  We've had dinner, wine, cook outs, play dates.  We've cried, laughed, hugged, danced...together....for years...Right?  That's how it felt.  Ryan even mentioned that it seemed as if we had done this every day for the last year.  We talked as if this was nothing new.  We connected like we were sisters, bonded by more than life experiences. 

This is what you call a kindred spirit.  This is what you call a soul sister.

As I get older and as I walk this path always laced with my grief and intertwined with new perspective of true happiness, I realize that you can only allow people to know the real you if you let them.  There is something about death, about tragedy, about heartache that allows this pure, unashamed, raw truth.  It allows you to reveal yourself in ways you never thought possible.  You can build walls.  You can run from shadows.  You can try to shut the world out.  But, when you find those few souls who do understand, the bond is much stronger than that of just a lifetime.  I'm not saying we'll be friends forever (which I hope to God we are!!!).  I'm not saying that these girls are perfect (although, I'm a little biased and think that they are pretty darn close).  I'm not saying that the friendships I made over the years don't matter, or even that they matter less.  They don't.   If you're reading this and questioning our relationship, please don't.  You should know how I feel about you, and if you don't, please ask.  What I am saying is that these girls are bound to me in a different, unique, complete way.  There was no impressing.  There was no judgement.  There was no awkwardness.  It's been a long time since I've felt a sense of completeness.  After losing Logan I wasn't sure I'd ever feel that again.  Here's the thing about being complete.  It comes in waves.  It comes in moments.  It comes in those times when you feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude.  It comes in those momements when you can say, without a doubt, that you are happy.  Will life get tough?  Yes.  Will my heart be broken time and time again?  Yes.  Will I ever, truly, be complete for my whole life?  No.  Life is about finding pieces, molding pieces, and picking up the pieces.  But there are rare moments, pure moments, where you do feel complete.  This was one of them.

I wasn't prepared for the sadness that would flood me the morning they left.  I wasn't prepared for the tears this morning (two days later).  I am unexpectedly incomplete without them here.  It's different when you do live around the corner.  It's different with family because you know that you will see them again, at the next birthday or holiday.  With these girls, our lives are so full, so busy, so different.  It will take time, money, and dedication to plan another get together.  We will plan.  Not knowing when I'll see them again...that's what hurts.

I am so incredibly blessed to have them in my life.  Most people only get a once or twice shot at making a best friend, a life long friend.  I've had the chance multiple times over the last years, and these two are special beyond belief.  There are so many others in the group we're all part of too.  Girls I cannot wait to meet.  Friends that I know support me through thick and thin, no matter our virtual or "in real life" status.  These girls are very real to me.  No one can or will ever tell me differently.

I miss them.  I will look forward to the day I can see, touch, and hug them again.  I will look forward to hearing their laughter, or even seeing the conflict in their eyes.  Time cannot trap us or keep us from one another.  Until I see them again, they will be in my computer, on my phone, and in my heart - always.

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You are more than I could have ever asked for in a friend.  I love you and cherish you.  I hope Emma gets to spend many, many more times with you.  You are both strong, courageous, beautiful women.  You are my kindred spirits no matter what comes our way or where life takes us.  I cannot wait to see your faces again.  Until then, I will hold these pictures so very dear to my heart.  Thank you, sweet friends.  Thank you for being you....