We made it another full month...but it seems it's time. Ryan says the transition will start tonight. I understand. I agree. But I'm nervous and not ready for this. This is one of those moments I'm not sure you can ever be "ready" for...like the first day of kindergarten, the first day of highschool, graduation, the first day of college, marrying her off...Ok, so maybe this isn't quite as significant as those days will be, but still, it's an event I just cannot truly be ready cut ties with. I know that she will crawl into our bed from time to time over the years and I will both love and hate those kicks to the back and slaps in the face in a fit of wild dreaming, but it's not the same. Each night we go to bed snuggled up as a family. Each night I am surrounded by the loves of my life without a second thought.
Our reason for transitioning is simple - Emma's safety. We have a california king bed that sits extremely high compared to some. We also have wood floors. Although a fall off of our bed would only result in minor bruises for me and Ryan, for someone as tiny as Emma, a fall off our bed would be similar to a fall off of our roof for an adult. If she were to fall off the wrong way she could quite literally kill herself. Worst case, of course, but the mental image haunts my every sleeping and waking moment. Emma has gone from an easy side-to-back sleeping baby to an avid climbing, crawling, leaping, sideways sleeping baby. Within the last week we have found her on several occassions standing up in bed or crawling towards the edge full speed ahead. She has no fear and no concept of falling. No matter how many times or what ways I stick her in the middle, she finds her way to the edge in .2 seconds. She has an early bed time. I usually nurse her to sleep, surround her with pillows, and sneak out to have some time wtih Ryan or to clean. Usually I hear her stir on the monitor and I can get to her and nurse her back to sleep before she truly wakes. Not these last few nights. By the time I hear her and make it to the bedroom door she's already standing. Once the door is open she turns and looks straight at me as if she's caught in the act. Someone my baby has transitioned to this little person!?! She literally goes from sleeping to awake in seconds and is up on all four and then on both feet. She wastes not times with yawns or eye rubbing. Last night was the deciding factor. I was in the bed with her, sleeping next to her. In my drowsy exhausted state it took me more than a few seconds to register that she was up and moving around. By the time I saw her her head was nearly off the edge of the bed, the barrier pillow was on the floor. Talk about heart leaping to throat!!! I was awake then! Awake and terrified.
I've gone over every scenario possible. Moving our bed against a wall or putting it lower to the ground or even on the floor just isn't truly feasible. It would take more effort than necessary and would leave us cramped and surrounding by bits and pieces of the bed. Our headboard and end tables are one fluid piece that supports the other. Siderails are an option, but honestly, with the force and energy she puts into her movements I fear that the siderails would only deflect her rolling in her sleep, not her climbing. If anything, I'm afraid she's flip over the siderails making her a fall even more dangerous!
Ryan understands my position and agrees with my reasoning that Emma trusts us and has a special bond because of our sleeping arrangements. I do not want to break that and I do not want to cause her to be overly upset because of a drastic change. We have agreed to move her crib to our room. Now the question remains: Would it be easier to transition directly to the crib with the crib next to the bed? Or should we try the sidecar crib method, creating one fluid bed but defining a place for her to sleep that has railing on every side? We haven't officially decided. Regardless, my days, or maybe even my hours of co-sleeping like we have been for months are coming to an end. I know it's for Emma's safety and well being. I know it's time. It's still hard to accept. Emma has been showing signs of independence already. She's been unlatching and rolling away from me in order to fall into her deep sleep. Maybe she's been telling us she's ready all along? I kow this won't be easy. I know she won't understand right away. I'm nervous and my in my already exhausted state I am weary.
Wish us luck... all of us. I know this is best for us all. I wonder if Emma might sleep better, through the night, if she had her space? I know Ryan is more than ready to have our bed back. I know that my back, neck, my whole body could use the space too. All of these reasons still do not make it easy...
More to come on our transitioning adventures...
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